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Can’t You Just Love Me For Me?

Posted by Amy in General

We have family visting this weekend. One of the people- we saw a little over a year ago (a cousin) the other is my Aunt…whom I haven’t seen in at least 15 years (said cousin’s mother). No real reason except there are like 3000 miles between our houses.

Anyway…last time I checked my drivers license it said I was 33 (egads that CAN’T be right…when the heck did that happen)…yet ALL WEEK all I have heard out of my mother’s mouth is…”When our company is here…” Or “When your aunt arrives…” as in:
“When our company is here don’t use that kind of language…”

or

“When your aunt arrives please be sure to greet her warmly and give a hug…definitely do not ignore her…”

And these are just two of the many many examples of the wrath that has been my mom lately…and I am sick of it. I am pretty sure I am now an adult in all states…and I can conduct myself the way that I WANT to conduct myself. It hurts my feelings and pisses me off all at the same time. I mean I know how to properly act…she makes me feel like some sort of nonfunctional social outcast. I know that I curse a bit too much and colorfully but you have to know…I would not talk this way in front of family I don’t have regular interactions with. My mom would tell you that I dropped the F-Bomb in front of my own grandma…and she would be right…but you would have to know that is out of context…my grandma had been watching a dvd at our house and complaining about the use of the f word in the movie we were watching and made the statement “No one in real life talks like that.” So as a joke (and it was taken as such…trust me), I retorted with “Yeah Gramma… who the fuck talks like that?” It was done in a very jocular sense.

And it just isn’t about my language…it is about every thing that I do…how I dress (maybe I should wear work clothes instead of you know my harley shirts) or how I interact with people (Ok so I am not a touchy-feely sort a person normally….) to MY CAR (maybe you should wash your car…) to Roxy (you know your aunt loves dogs…but make sure Roxy doesn’t jump on her or anything)…to something I can’t help (Please watch yourself…I don’t want your aunt to think you are mocking her…[because I tend to pick up the accents of people around me...especially southern accents and those "fargo" type accents] and I don’t want you to embarrass me).
I don’t know if she got the hint yesterday but she mentioned to me something that she hopes my dad doesn’t do…and I just looked at her and said “Well maybe you should lecture him about not (doing said activity).

My mom loves me. I love my mom…but she has this uncanny ability to make me feel like a social leper sometimes…which just makes me more nervous around people…which in turn makes my shyness rear itself…which makes me wanna hide (in a book…with my nintendo ds…or my ipod on very loud…or under a bed…in the dog house…you get the picture) until everyone leaves…it’s like I can’t be me…then who can I be? And will the person I am be the person people will like? I dunno it is hard to explain…

As it stands right now….there is a big dinner out planned for Sunday…and I am almost hoping to be in the throws of this cold that it feels like I am on the verge of so I have an…OUT of some sort. Achoo…did that sound convincing?

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2 Responses

  • Chrissy says:

    Gah! I can totally relate. It’s why I am in minimal contact with my mother and live 3000 miles away. Which makes me an asshole, I admit it. You’re awesome for hanging in there and loving her anyway.

    And incidently I heart you! Just the way you are!

  • Janet says:

    I bet you she DOES love you for you…but this is just what mothers do…worry about every little thing :-)



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