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Vladette the Impaler

Posted by ETS in Guest Entries

Last weekend I was stunned to realize as I was lolling about on the couch with book in hand that we have a potential bee problem. The problem in question is that they are attempting to build a hive beneath my coffee table. This has happened before, although it’s been several years; the last two times they attempted hive-building they chose the back of my bookcase and the interior of an unused treadmill that I have since given away, so I guess I shouldn’t be all that surprised.

However, I got a little skeeved when we’d kill them as they flew through the door (the painters destroyed our screen years ago and we’re still waiting for the condo association to quit dragging their feet and replace it) and despite the fact that we do so, more would come in carrying little queen larvae attempting to deposit them where I least want a hive. We have tried bee and wasp killer, we have burned the insect repellent outside on the deck and incense in the house right by the door, and nothing is deterring those little suckers.

I keep telling Muffin that we need to get teeny-tiny little spikes like modern-day Vlad Tepes(s) of the bee society and position them around the doorframe bearing the bodies of their fallen comrades so that the new bees that come buzzing up with their burdens will look around, see that we mean business, and begin thinking that maybe our neighbor’s coffee table would be a better site for their new home, but he disagrees with my reasoning, although I’m pretty sure that, agree or no, it would work….

Now I’m desperate.

The way I see it, we’ve got three options: a) we harass the condo association until they’re sick of hearing from us, finally getting a new screen in place just to shut us up, b) we buy a new screen door ourselves and send the bill to the condo association, or c) we go ghetto, I steal my friend Steve’s roll of window screening, and I staple gun that stuff to the outside of our back door. Something tells me that option c is the one I’ll end up with, and I’m fine with that, so long as I see no more queen larvae being deposited beneath the table in the meantime…..

That idea just squicks me right the f*k out….


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One Response

  • Being a huge Dracula fan, I say the impaling idea is fantastic! Institute it immediately! Also, you get bonus points for mentioning “Vlad Tepes.” C’mon! That’s awesome first thing on a Monday morning–a little Romanian history lesson.

    Anyway, I vote for option A (assuming the spiking doesn’t work). It reminds me of the parable of the persistent widow. Check out verse 4, and see if it doesn’t ring true here.

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